we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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