Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
