So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
