Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
