nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
