when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
