Where are you?
In a non slutty way
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Randomize
