i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
