if only i could text you this smell
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
My ATM looks so different sober.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
