my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
