so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
