I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
