Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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