I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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