wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
