I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
