areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
