So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
