Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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