Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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