I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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