Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
