i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
we made out on top of his cat.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
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