I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
