my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
