Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
