why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
