Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
