I need to stop coming to work sober
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
being pregnant is like rehab
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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