worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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