I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
