When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
