i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
