its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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