and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
