the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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