I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
And my parents said I crawled through the house
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
