I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
