We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
