the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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