I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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