Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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