Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
