why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
