hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I'm both gender and math confused
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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