He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
