I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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