She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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