You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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