You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
