Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
