I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
